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Dear Mum, I'm Sorry

by Auntie Establishment

supported by
Samuel M Bradley
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Samuel M Bradley Disturbingly lucid, sophisticated DIY folk. A brave gesture.
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1.
Start Again 02:20
how many more nights can I really hope to spend in a bedroom in my mum's house while the clock hits 4am politics are easy from an old computer chair burn the state down to the ground then build up from disrepair but I'm just a number living the way I do another "who was that guy?" (uh, I might know him) another fucking excuse so I'll go check the mirror don't know what I hope to see but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't someone else but me but I won't let this, let this bring me down a thousand miles from the shore, and pleading callous? sure, but who's that fooling now? what's a little spilt blood if no-one's bleeding? I'm terrified of everything of everything that's dead I'm terrified that anything I wanna say has been said so teach me how to live and I'll teach you how to die and teach me how to leave this place and I'll give it my best try take my shaking hand and walk me through the steps of growing up or growing old whichever you'd recommend I can't promise much but I can ensure my heart if you need a friend to help you find the proper place to start again
2.
I know that from where you're standing the road I'm on (it seems too fucking long) and it's all fine and well meandering if you know where you've come from and so to you, for me to find my way I might need to take some orienteering lessons but I've always been happier wandering alone as I stumble home I downright refuse to work at starbucks or subway just so like you I can look forward to payday and I know what you're gonna say but there's more to life than an 8-hour day so let's judge a hard days work by the mud on our knees and the amount of passion spent, and the blood on our sleeves on every word we spat out to the sky hopeful for a reply from anywhere and if God's there, I hope She cries for all the men who are far too scared to try so sorry wilma, sorry alan sorry david cameron (sorry, not sorry) I am sorry for the blindfolds you have on and those you haven't 'cos they're leading you astray you know there's more to life than an 8-hour day
3.
give me your hunger and your distance I've been feeding my addictions by the drunken mother's bottle and the holes I burn in my brain left the light on in my memory wish I didn't have to look at the crimes of passion, crimes of love crimes of being an asshole, crimes of being misunderstood but if we tally up our failures then I'll finally be a winner get the first placed tin medal for being the greatest sinner and I'd never have to buy another drink in another nowhere bar I wouldn't have to go very far I've never been one to consider what the righteous like to call the bigger picture just as long as I can wish myself to sleep for another night I fell in love yesterday with another on the screen who I saw and for a moment felt again like I was eighteen not afraid of waking up aware of who I am and who I'm destined to be cos I've lost my share of fights that I've never even started and I've lost my share of love that I've never been a part of and I've lost my share of fucks that I've never even given but still I am yet to forgive or to be forgiven
4.
I drank myself into a hole that my tongue dug the bitter taste of soil fills my mouth I'm choking, such a struggle for such lovable contempt but it's a comfort that I couldn't live without I'm concerned that everyone resents me thinks me foolish, just a kid that I might murder my own mother or that I already did check the closet see what you find just some old skeletons but don't be sure that they're even mine, cos every heartbeat is a coffin slam and every street is deathrow won't someone untie my hands? I'm not ready to go, not ready to fly still waiting on these wings to grow inside this uncertain body change takes time there's so much regret in the rain dropping deadweights and piggybacking rides across our lungs pitching tents in the looks that we don't see and in the songs that are never sung (open your eyes) a 4am smile is all I need from a stranger on the street to remind me that the world isn't all that it seems locking dreams in their backpacks everyone retreats to leave me feeling free and alone every heartbeat is a coffin slam and every street is deathrow won't someone untie my hands? I'm not ready to go, not ready to fly still waiting on these wings to grow inside this uncertain body change takes time
5.
18 years to learn that summer passes the same every time and though taxes stay hidden in child-proof drawers "don't worry. boy, there's nothing to hide" but I'm not a father and a husband knows better than to let a mother cry I don't know if a God can help us but I know that I'm willing to try you found a house in the country we built a home in our hearts and though memory still lives like a ghost in these halls there's a comfort that never departs but I don't know where you are now ain't that something worth talking about? maybe texas or canada down some old street corner writing letters that you'll never send out but if you seek forgiveness salvation, whatever then just leave it up to time I don't know if you're still holding hope I don't know if I'm still holding mine
6.
I thought I saw you across the pond hanging the washing out but I couldn't make you out for the storm seems I've got something to be sad about I thought I saw you fall with an old chipped china cup stolen your wings from an angel we've never broken up but I never knew your shoe size so how can I be sure that the pair of flats by the door are really even yours? and the scratches down my spine aren't scars from some playground fight you said I might be dreaming I said "honey, I think you might be right" why can I never see you with my eyes open? and why can my friends not meet you? they don't think I'm coping that well you're the perfect intervention for the worst fucking day you're a sunset at 3pm on a sunday in may and maybe only babies ever fall in love cos every lover that I see is refusing to grow up cos you live in a dream a narcissistic fantasy and I guess it would seem that you'll always be a part of me and isn't that enough for just another useless fuck? or maybe this is just what everyone means when they say grow up

about

*FOR LYRICS AND A BIT OF WRITING ABOUT EACH SONG, CLICK ON THEIR TITLES*

This is an album about depression, anxiety and growing up or growing old; about the tedium of another young white boy self-pitying and how such a realisation only worsens things; about the support we need to continue living our lives and the unlikely places in which we often find it; about the last 5 years of my life.

I would not have been able to write any of these songs a year ago - I
still struggle at the best of times to speak honestly in social situations - but through a lot of smacking my head against the wall and with a lot support I've given it a shot, and that's more than I could have said this time last year.

For this there are many people I must thank:

-my close friends, who are an example
-anarchists; everyone everywhere who's chosen to live and inspired me to do the same
-the punk community
-every single person who has recorded a song in their bedroom on a shitty mic and been brave enough to show someone
-every amazing artist who I have invariably ripped off, if you find me I'll pay you royalties
-my parents, for having me
-my beautiful sister, for putting up with me using your laptop
-my brother, for being the reason I took up the guitar
-my cat, for being my best friend of all
-Matt Hall, for the incredible job he did on the cover art

Thank you.

credits

released June 27, 2014

everything was written and recorded in a bedroom in my mum's house on my sister's five-year-old laptop

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Auntie Establishment Edinburgh, UK

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